Expectations for men as fathers

Hello people, today I want to address an issue, that is the reason for many fights between couples and even for breakups. Hopefully this will help your relationship :)

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Our family <3 Christmas 2010

When we welcome a baby in our lives, everything changes immensely! The pressure is on and fun and games are over! Everything is new, the house is a mess, new parents are exhausted, he gets to go to work, she can’t and pointing the fingers will start. You don’t do this, you don’t do that, you can leave the house when I can’t, you don’t spend enough time with your baby, you don’t know how to take care of the baby and so on. What are the reasons for the woman to get angry for that: 1. she’s exhausted 2. she wants to have the same freedom as he does 3. she expects him to be just as good as she is with the baby. Expectations are never good, they only bring trouble and get you disappointed. A man can never be as good and natural with the baby  as the woman is! Here’s some big news: Father instinct doesn’t exist! Women have the motherly instincts for all her life and she has no trouble connecting with the baby while it’s still in her belly. They say fatherly instinct will kick in after the baby is born, that’s not true!!!! At least not the way we think, we think that it means a dad will go all “motherly” on the baby, but that’s the mother instinct. Men weren’t designed for that, father instinct means he wants to protect, provide and make sure his family has all it needs. Men were created to take care of their families, not to take care of little newborns. Obviously some men are better with babies than others, if your partner is one of those men – congratulations you lucky woman! I don’t care what century it is, men are still born with a penis and women with a vagina, so these instincts are in our genes! It doesn’t matter how we evolve, these simple basics will always be there. Therefore don’t expect your partner to do all the things you do.

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He really can’t hear the baby.  Women have a lighter sleep for a reason, so they could hear the baby and run to it whenever they need something or these is danger of some kind. I know how mad it makes to look at him peacefully snoring away, while the baby is crying, you try to wake him and he just mutters in his sleep, that he will get up in a sec, but he just goes back to sleep and you ain’t got the time to waste to wake him for 30 minutes so you just do it yourself! I know, I know you just wanna slap him, but he doesn’t do it on purpose.

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They are insecure. Most men have no idea, what to do with that little creature, so they become insecure and rather won’t do anything, so they can’t mess up.

They need to learn. You spend all your time with the newborn, you know exactly what the baby needs to go to sleep, how much food, how to change diapers, what makes the baby cry and what calms the baby. Then he comes home from work, you throw the baby on him and say ok you take care of the baby now. After 10, 20, 60 minutes the baby is crying and you attack him cause he didn’t make enough food, the diapers was put on poorly so the baby peed itself, he starts to sing which makes the baby even more nervous, cause you know the baby doesn’t enjoy that, you already tried it. Now let me ask you, how is he supposed to know all these things? You need to teach him, gently and explain everything. Many things that for us, women are obvious are not so obvious for them.

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Baby Nr.1, summer 2008

Ask for help. If you need help with a baby, just ask your partner. Just like with everything else, don’t assume, don’t hint, don’t get angry cause your man can’t read your mind! Ask help – nicely!

Make them do chores. If they are not that good with the baby or are uncomfortable, just make them help you in other ways. Make them do other chores around the house – send them out for groceries, make them do the dishes and cook the dinner, do laundry, iron, mop the floors….maybe they will prefer to look after the baby next time :D Either way, you win ;)

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Baby Nr.2, autumn 2010

They don’t understand. Don’t expect your partner to understand what it’s like to be pregnant, to give birth, to breastfeed, to take care of the baby all day everyday. They can’t help it, they don’t understand and it’s not their fault! Seek support from other women if you need to talk to someone or share these everyday struggles, you will feel much better after. And this way you will probably avoid an argument with your partner.

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Don’t worry, they will be more hands on when your little one grows. Around 1 year when they are capable of playing with daddy, you might even start to miss the times, when you were your babys one and only ;)

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 I hope this post helped to shed some light on the issues on being new parents and dealing with some things.  I wish I had read this post, when I had my firstborn! But what can you do, you learn as you go :)

Everything can be solved with Love,

Mammu

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