Maybe you think it’s a little early for doing a post like this, but hey, when the inspiration comes then don’t argue. These words wanted to flow out of me today accompanied by many emotions, so here I go:
2014 was a beautiful year for me, everything was flowing peacefully, I discovered happiness after a long period of depression, anger and sadness. I found my way back to myself, but it was only the beginning. When 2014 was ending I was terrorized! Yes, that is the exact emotion I felt – pure terror. Every year brings new energies and I was afraid of that, after having an amazing year, I didn’t want it to end. I’ve never felt so afraid for the new year to come! My Soul anticipated a change of winds and my Ego was not happy! I literally felt like I wanted to turn around and run as fast as I could!
In 2014 I made huge steps forward in my spirituality, in finding myself. I was almost euphoric and I swore I was ready to dive into the dark parts of my Soul, I thought I was ready for the suffering , that often comes with the awakening, with the journey of spirituality and finding self. Well, I wasn’t, that is why I was so afraid of 2015! 2014 was my preparation, but 2015 was a big test.
When the tests started, I fell apart, I said no more. I took a big step back and said no thank you to everything I had been so happy to learn in 2014. I lost myself for a moment, I didn’t know what was real or what to believe and believe me when I say, that is a very scary place to be. I didn’t trust anyone, any source or myself. I saw illusion and deception in everything! I doubted everything, my friends, my family, my beliefs, my faith, my decisions. I was in full panic mode, or at least my Ego was. Deep down I knew I would find my way again, I just needed to take it day by day. It was a very uncomfortable time.
Looking back, I can see clearly now. I can see why it was all necessary and that I didn’t fail my test as I thought I had. I was teared apart so I could build myself up again and to find a different approach on life, on myself, my spirituality, my journey. I thought I had found myself in 2014, but it was only half true. I was right only a little, I thought I had the whole picture and that was wrong. We can never have the whole picture, we can have a big picture, but not all of it. That’s just not how life works. Now I only have a piece of it, but at least I know it’s the right one and it will help me to find the next piece. In 2014 I felt strong, but it was a raw energy, careless and not focused, a teenager kind of “I am invincible, I know it all” energy. But this year made me work hard on the foundation, now I am standing on a solid foundation and it’s safe for me to build on it.
This year was a lot of hard work, not physically, but internally. Standing up against my demons, saying”no you’re not bullying me anymore” kind of hard work. I am thankful for the struggles of 2015, cause without them I would be in a very wrong place right now. In 2014 I put a lot of my hopes on others, other people to tell me what’s right, angels and spirit guides to tell me which way to take, idols to show me the way and then the Universe came in scattering around the blocks I used to build myself, I lost my faith in everything so I could go back to my roots and start believing in myself and trusting my own guidance. Again a very scary thing for me, cause I don’t like to be wrong.
During the fight with my demons I reconnected with an old friend (aitähh Kätlin kallis, et olid olemas ja et oled olemas) and found out I wasn’t as forgotten by everyone as I thought. I live far away from my parents and friends, but the unconditional and unexpected love I got was a beautiful gift. When the storm had passed, the Universe sent an angel, a friend into my life (that is you Bettina) to help me pick up the pieces and put it all together again! This new friend helped me to learn to trust again and not to be afraid, it was a gentle loving push into the light again. I can see now how perfect the timing was. Thank you SO much Bettina, I couldn’t have done it without your help, you have been an incredible blessing!
I am incredibly thankful for all the lessons I got to learn this year. I discovered so much, I am stronger and wiser and that is awesome! My heart is filled with love and my light is shining brighter again, this year was exactly what I needed even when it wasn’t what I wanted! I am now ready for the next year, I have an idea what the theme will be for me and I am very excited to see the results and be here at the end of the 2016 to share what I’ve learned!
This was my 2015 story, you can read a little bit more in my comeback post. Before this year ends, take a moment to look back. I am sure you will find how many unpleasant things brought you closer to where you are supposed to be. Be thankful for the lessons and be grateful for your blessings and you will be blessed even more next year! If you have issues with someone from this year, just let it go before the new year starts. Leave the troubles of this year in this year and start the new year fresh, make room for new good things to come!
I am sending you my Love and Blessings,